We see it in every corner of Nigeria, we are masters of pity. We excel at that immediate, heartfelt “God forbid!” when tragedy strikes, that quick offering of a few Naira, or the sorrowful head shake. But what if I told you that our reliance on pity, while well-intentioned, is holding us back? What if the real missing ingredient, the one that can truly transform our society, is empathy?
I’ve observed it, you’ve observed it. That stark difference: Most Nigerians understand, process, and express Pity. But when it comes to Empathy? People don’t seem to care. This observation isn’t an accusation; it’s a call to action. It’s a mirror reflecting a terrifying truth about where we are, and a map showing us where we need to go.
Let’s strip it down.
Pity vs. Empathy
Imagine you’re driving through a flooded street after a heavy downpour, and you see a young woman, drenched, struggling to push her broken-down car.
Pity is the internal monologue: “Ehyah, what a terrible situation. I feel so bad for her.” You might honk your horn, maybe even offer a prayer as you drive past. It’s a feeling for her, a brief moment of sorrow from the safety of your own vehicle. You acknowledge her struggle, but you remain separate from it. It’s a good emotion, but it doesn’t move you to act beyond a fleeting thought.
Now, let’s inject Empathy into that same scene. Your thoughts shift. You imagine:
“What if that was my sister, soaked and frustrated, with somewhere important to be?”
“How cold must she feel right now, and how hopeless to see her car immobile?”
“Is she worried about her phone getting wet, or missing an important appointment, or simply how she’ll get home?”
“What kind of day did she have already, before this final blow?”
Empathy isn’t just feeling for her; it’s the intense, sometimes uncomfortable, effort to step into her rain-soaked shoes. It’s the willingness to briefly inhabit her emotional state. It’s what might make you pull over, despite the traffic, and ask, “Madam, how can I help? Do you need a push, or should I call someone for you?”
Your First Instruction: The next time you witness someone in a difficult situation, don’t just feel pity. Consciously stop for a moment. Close your eyes (if it’s safe to do so!) and ask yourself: “What would this feel like if it were me, right now?”
Empathy in Action
This isn’t just about charity or sympathy. Empathy is a superpower that can transform every aspect of our lives. Let’s see how:
Think about the trader in the market, whether it’s Eke Awka or Bodija. They often seem tough, focused on the transaction.
Without empathy: A customer complains about a slightly bruised yam. The trader snaps, “Buy abeg, if you no wan buy make you waka go front, make I see road for better customer.” The focus is purely on the sale, not the customer’s desire for quality for their hard-earned money. The relationship is transactional and often antagonistic.
With empathy: A hawker, let’s call her Chioma, sells garden eggs by the roadside. A potential customer hesitates, complaining about the price in these tough economic times, inflation is a real headache!
Instead of just saying “Na so market be,” Chioma pauses. She remembers how she struggled to buy ingredients for her family’s dinner last night. She understands the customer isn’t being difficult, but genuinely constrained. She might say, with a soft voice, “Aunty, you know as the country be, market no dey easy. You see say this one fresh, see as e still dey green, and e sweet. If you buy three, and I go add extra small one for you. Just for you.”
The Result: The customer feels heard, respected. Chioma might make a slightly smaller profit on that one sale, but she’s built goodwill. That customer might return, might tell friends about Chioma’s kindness. Empathy transforms a one-off transaction into a potential long-term relationship, built on understanding.
Your Reflection: When you buy or sell, are you focused only on the price, or do you try to understand the other person’s reality, their struggle to make profit, or their struggle to afford necessities?
Lets consider another scenario: Nigerian businesses, from the largest corporations to the smallest kiosks, operate in a challenging environment. Empathy is often seen as a luxury, but it’s a necessity for true success.
Without empathy: A bank’s customer service representative is rigid, following scripts, and dismissive of a customer’s frantic concerns about a failed transaction. “Madam, just fill the form. It will be resolved in 7 working days.” No understanding of the potential financial crisis this delay could cause, no attempt to truly reassure. This creates frustration, builds resentment, and leads to customers switching banks.
With empathy: Consider Mrs. Adebiyi, who runs a small catering business. Her delivery driver, Martins, is consistently late, and she’s about to fire him.
But instead of just issuing a sack letter, she calls him in. “Martins,” she begins, “I know you’re a good worker, but the lateness is affecting our reputation. What’s going on?”
Martins, hesitant at first, eventually confides that his wife recently had a difficult delivery, and he’s been juggling hospital visits, caring for their other children, and finding enough money for bills. He’s exhausted and overwhelmed.
Mrs. Adebiyi listens. She feels his burden. She offers, “Martins, I didn’t know. That’s a lot. Let’s work something out. Can we adjust your hours temporarily? Perhaps you can start a bit later, or maybe we can arrange for someone to help with some of your early morning deliveries until things stabilize? We can’t afford to lose you, but we also need our deliveries on time.”
The Result: Martins, deeply touched, becomes one of her most loyal and dedicated employees. He feels valued, understood, and supported. Mrs. Adebiyi retains a good worker, and their business benefits from a motivated team. Empathy, here, saved a job and strengthened a business.
Your Instruction: In your workplace, if someone is underperforming, before you criticize or dismiss them, try to have an empathetic conversation. Ask, “Is everything alright? How can I support you?”
Lets look at another scenario, this time; Politics
Ah, Nigerian politics. Often seen as a game of power, patronage, and disconnect. But imagine a leader driven by genuine empathy.
Without empathy: A politician campaigns, making grand promises, detached from the daily realities of citizens. Once elected, they reside in air-conditioned offices, making policies that ignore the suffering on the streets. When fuel prices increase, they issue a press statement about “necessary reforms,” without a single word acknowledging the crushing burden on the common man trying to get to work or feed his family. The result? Public cynicism, unrest, and a widening gap between the governed and the government.
With empathy: Consider a local government chairman, Jamiu Shuperu. His community is complaining bitterly about the lack of clean water. Instead of just sending an aide or issuing a statement, Jamiu Shuperu decides to spend a day with a family in a particularly affected area. He fetches water from the distant, unreliable borehole, waits with them for hours, and sees firsthand the rashes on the children from impure water.
He experiences the indignity, the time wasted, the constant worry. He feels their thirst.
The Result: This experience profoundly changes his approach. He doesn’t just see “water project funding” on a budget sheet; he sees the faces of the people whose lives he saw firsthand. He fights harder for the budget, mobilizes resources faster, and ensures quality work because he understands the impact of failure. His constituents feel seen, heard, and valued, fostering trust and cooperation.
Your Reflection: When you hear about government policies, do you just complain, or do you try to understand the human impact on various segments of society? And if you are in a position of leadership, how often do you truly engage with the realities of those you lead?
Nurturing Your Empathy Muscle: It’s a Daily Workout
You see now? Empathy isn’t just a soft skill; it’s a critical tool for survival, for success, and for building the Nigeria we all dream of. It’s not about being weak; it’s about being profoundly human.
Here’s your roadmap to developing and nurturing this vital part of yourself:
Practice Active Listening, Like Your Life Depends on It:
- Instruction: When someone is speaking, literally silence your internal monologue. Don’t plan your response. Just absorb their words, their tone, their body language. When they finish, summarize what you heard: “So, if I understand you correctly, you’re feeling frustrated because…” This confirms you were truly listening.
- Reflection: How often do you truly listen, rather than just wait for your turn to speak?
Deliberately Seek Out Different Shoes:
Instruction: Read local newspapers from different regions. Watch documentaries about Nigerian lives unlike your own. Have conversations with the gateman, the market woman, the vulcanizer, the banker. Ask them about their day, their challenges, their joys. Don’t just talk to them; talk with them.
Reflection: How diverse is your social circle? Are you only interacting with people who mirror your own experiences?
The “What If It Were Me?” Exercise:
Instruction: This is your daily mental workout. When you see a struggling street hawker, a frustrated commuter, a public official who seems unhelpful, pause. Ask yourself: “What might be their story right now? What pressure are they under? What challenges did they face before I even saw them?”
Reflection: Are you quick to judge, or quick to understand?
Embrace Storytelling (Yours and Others’):
Instruction: Read novels. Watch Nollywood films that explore the complexities of our society. These stories allow you to vicariously experience emotions and challenges. And share your own stories – vulnerably. When you tell your truth, you create space for others to empathize with you.
Reflection: How open are you to hearing stories that challenge your preconceived notions?
Reflect On Your Own Emotional Landscape:
Instruction: Spend 5 minutes each day thinking about your own feelings. “Why am I feeling annoyed right now?” “What made me happy today?” Understanding your own emotional triggers and responses is the first step to understanding others’.
Reflection: Do you ignore your emotions, or do you try to understand them?
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The observation “Empathy? Zero” is a challenge, not a condemnation. It’s a call to look inward, to recognize the immense power we hold to build a more connected, compassionate, and ultimately, more prosperous Nigeria. This isn’t theoretical; it’s practical. It’s about how you treat your staff, your customers, your fellow citizens on the road, and the people whose lives are shaped by the decisions of those in power.
Let’s commit, starting today, right here in Owerri, to develop and nurture our empathy. Because when we truly understand each other, we unlock solutions we never imagined, build bridges we thought impossible, and forge a society where everyone, truly everyone, feels seen and valued.
Your Final Instruction: Pick one sphere of your life – your family, your workplace, your interactions in public. For the next 24 hours, make a conscious effort to practice empathy. Don’t just observe; seek to understand. Feel the shift.